Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
