I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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