I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
