I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
