hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
