I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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