mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we're making bets on your personal life
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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