Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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