Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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