I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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