how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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