Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
