Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
