Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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