im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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