Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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