they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
