New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
