So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
