So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
