Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
