Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
