whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
