I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
