I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
