Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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