Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
