just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
