and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
