I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
