Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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