Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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