Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
