Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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