She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
