i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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