im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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