I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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