Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
