Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
