Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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