I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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