We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
