I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
