I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Farmville is her only friend.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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