He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
