True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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