I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
