Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
