just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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