dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
