apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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