When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize