Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
